Monday, February 23, 2015

Whispers

When the world around you gets too loud
When the information taken in makes you feel too full
When everywhere starts to look like nowhere

Go back

and listen to the whispers

When voices suddenly turn into shouting
When opinions start to rapidly multiply
When there are too many feet on the path

Slow down

and listen to the whispers

When wanderlust gets too wild
When the forks in the road won't cease division
When the brush becomes too thick for your machete 

Stop walking, and for gods sake, stop hacking

and listen to the whispers

When history becomes too heavy
When good advice starts to make you feel crazy
When the sounds of another's story stifles you 

Hold still

and listen to the softest, smallest, sweetest whispers

Please don't misinterpret
I value experience
I value wisdom
I value clarity
I value the universal
I value shared understanding
I am learning to be vulnerable
I am learning to be honest
I am learning to take care of myself
and I am learning to return to myself


For, I am doing it yet again
Looking to the 
external 
for something 
that can only be found 
within
When my incessant search outside myself
for comfort 
for answers
for direction
for truth
for resolution
Leads me into the middle of nowhere
Leads me into a mindscape I don't know how to traverse
Leads me to the cliffs edge of my sanity 
Before I leap forward
I must step back
from the edge
for just a minute
I must place my hands upon my shoulders
Pull me gently onto solid ground
Slowly turn me around 
Take my face tenderly in both my hands
Cover my soft ears with my strong fingers
Close my eyes with soft kisses
Wrap my long arms around me
and sing to me

"Do you remember me"?
"Do you remember me"?
"Do you remember me"?

Whether I am right or wrong
does not matter
Whether I am good or bad 
does not matter
Whether I am smart or not
does not matter
Whether I am a pillar of reason and logic
or bat shit crazy
does not matter
I am all of those things and
I am none of those things
I just am
I know me
I trust me
All I need to do is listen
Always listen
Listen to the whispers
Do not forsake yourself
The whispers are there to help you
They ARE you
They always know what to do
They always know where to go
They always know the way home
and if I know the way home 
then maybe I can have the courage 
to turn back around
spread my wings 

and fly off the top of this mountain

Thursday, February 5, 2015

No Fucking Fish

Always up for anything
is how I have been described 
Always up to drop what I am doing 
to do what someone else wants 
Eat what someone else wants 
Go where someone else wants 
Listen to what someone else thinks
Live where someone else wants 
Sing what someone else wants 
Feel what someone else wants 
Have the adventures of someone else's life
How many times does one have to do that 
and when does it become something that feels normal
When do the scales tip
When does giving away my desires and my time and my life 
become an intolerable crime I committ against myself
When does it become irresponsible to others 
to continue to neglect myself
The sins of the father do not have to be laid upon the child
Where is the line between selfish and selfless
A selfless act is seen as noble 
but it only is if it is done with a cup that runeth over
If the definition of self less 
is lack of self 
then what are you really giving someone
You are not teaching them how to fish
You are telling them to abandoned their pole
because you have abandoned your own
and the result is that no one is nourished 
No fucking fish
No bread
No water
and certainly no wine

Why can't you stand up for yourself 
is a question I have always been asked
If you find that you cannot stand up for another
it is because you cannot stand up for yourself
Until all the marionette strings are snipped
and they dangle from your fingertips alone
Only then will you understand the minutiae of affect 
that lifting just one finger can have
because there will be no more resistance at the other end of the string 
there will be no more other to discharge my own discomfort into 
Only then will I see all of it 
Only then will I feel all of it
Only then will I stop suffering 
Only then will I accept all of it as mine
Only then can I choose to love all of it
Only then can I choose to change it
I will not be whole
I will not be human
I will not be content
I will not be still
I will not be sure of myself
I will not be of service
My cup will not be full
Until I experience 
the unconditional condition 

to thine own self be true

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Feed

I think
I glimpsed
the flickering sparks
of long stored reserves
of undiscovered rocket fuel
I can feel an ember burning
glowing brighter
everytime I feed it oxygen
Lovely smoke is rising
blinking as I walk through it
wafting
slowly
curling
around me
for me
from me
I am smoldering
in incubation
with desire
building
a little bigger
a little fuller
a little hotter
a little deeper
each day
Starting at the core of me
the red center
is spreading quietly
Sparks fly on occasion
moments of understanding
that whistle through me
bursting in brief firework displays
keep me blowing
on the bed of hot coals forming
I back away when the heat singes my face
However, it won't be long
A thick, seared and calloused skin is forming
not protecting me from
but merging me with
the flames that are soon to be born
Licking my face
Nipping at my lips
Soon to howl through me
like the worship of a full moon in the new spring
My forest will rage
fierce and fast
with illuminating light
the past lives of old growth
will create fertile ash
with which to nourish and grow renewed
Until then
in the winter of my soul
I shall crouch around the circle of stones
watch the shooting stars that rocket across the sky with anticipation
listen to the animals that emerge from my midnight
and sing beautiful
breath filled
stirring
soul full songs
to this accumulating collection of pulsing embers
soon 

to be
a reawakened

inferno

Jan. 2015

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Desire

There is a cry
that comes from the exquisite pain of unfulfilled desire
The intoxicating scent of your beloved
enters your lungs
breathes straight to the core of you
The ecstasy of want breaking open your heart
filling your mynd
charging your body
inhabiting your soul
A sharp, deep inhale turns to a long, trembling exhale
slowly inching up your neck in imagined kisses
and catches in your throat
In the battle for control
your head tilts back
your mouth opens
and the requite of your beloveds heart
combined with the unrequite of your beloveds body
slips out the outside corners of your eyes
the way silk panties slide quickly down smooth legs 
You feel the trickle undulate sensuously, down the sides of your face, into your ears
drowning out all the noise
but it doesn't matter
for you are trapped on the inside anyway
dancing with your imagination
For, in this moment
the real and present and actual moment
there are no gentle fingertips
No warmth from the nearness
No breath to blanket you with goosebumps
No lips softly locked, holding each others secret combination
No inhales or exhales exchanged in between
No chests pressed together to synchronize heartbeats
No blush on your skin from hands that grip you
No marks on your shoulders from pleading fingernails
No whispers in your ear to seduce or soothe you
And it aches
and it aches
and it aches
and it aches
and it aches
and it aches
and it aches
and it aches
and it aches
and it aches
and it aches
and if it aches long enough
it begins to eat you from the inside out
until the pain is so great
that you cannot stand it anymore
and you begin to whisper to yourself
...because you need that someone to
and you begin to soothe yourself
...because you need that someone to
and you begin to love yourself
...because you need that someone to
and that is how you begin 
to learn
to someday
when the moment is right
let someone
love you in return.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015